The entrance to The Corteo was grand. Instead of the normal stage lights, chandeliers hung from the canopy, the stage ornamented with bronze candlesticks, bearing flickering orange-y candles. The circular stage was split into, by a veil of painting,entitled "The Grand Parade".

Likewise, I was amazed at the beauty of it all. That is, until the cirque actually started. And then to me, it was not just beauty. It was eerie. Beautiful, yes, but in a creepy sort of way. The air was filled with a thick sense of...impending doom. It's like Death, gift wrapped in shiny wrapping paper and ribbons.

The opening was sarcastic, and almost mocking. But then again, I wondered if I was biased because this time, I actually researched the show. Its a circus, only the setting was a funeral. How much more twisted can the whole thing get? The Clown is imagining his own funeral procession, in which he wishes to perform in for the last time before he dies. That was why there were angels, dangling through out the show. It was fine at the beginning, but towards the end, those dangling legs just became spooky.

Maybe its because I'm a spiritual being. Well, shoot me! I cant help that i believe in Death, Angels, Heaven and Hell, moreover God.  

And to me, the whole funeral thing, was a mockery to Death. Death isnt like that. Its not clumsy, and funny, what more entertaining. But to put visions of ex-lovers, hanging from chandeliers ( that was the first act) and to have angels overlooking the procession, it was almost as if they were intimidating Death. And for once, Im glad that my prophet, and my God, teaches me to fear Death and Hell, so that i refrain from doing bad, so that i improve on the good deeds. Instead this whole ordeal just proves how much a joke this is to the faithless. Taking something like Death, as a joke, its no wonder that everything else is fine to them.

It was an eye opener, tonight was. And alhamd lillah, I feel that the 1k+ roubles, was actually worth it.

A Mild case of "Gongju-ism"

I am NOT drop dead gorgeous, so naturally, the Princess Syndrome does not seem fitting to a girl like me. 

So as the common understanding of the Princess Syndrome, its safe to say that I'm partially clear (am I?) of the symptoms, which would undeniable include these :

1. Spoilt and vain (I'm a lot of things, but these are NOT me)

2. Selfish ( I gave up my first love for my friend. Need I say more?)

3. Self-centered 

4. Proud of physical appearance ( -.-")

5. Wants everything to go THEIR way

6. Inconsiderate to other people, only wanting to fulfill their own needs

7. Hurts people's feelings a lot, throws a FREAKING HELL of a FIT when they are hurt

    ( Not me, if I'm hurt, I just go cry myself to sleep....)

8. Unaware of other people's thoughts (disgust? annoyment?) towards them

9. Superficial

And so the list continues...(writing the list was easier with a figure in my head...ngehehehe*evil*)

So, to be honest, externally, I don't really portray these symptoms. Or so I hope, but in dealing with some certain issues that I've been facing recently, I am starting to doubt my initial diagnosis. I think in my case, I have the mild form of this syndrome. 

-.-'' uh oh

Yeah, so you ask me why?

Reason # 1

Okay look. I have a GOOD boyfriend. He's really, um..nice. BUT apparently, he's also...um..a tad dull?

So yeah, he's not really handsome like my Chunnie..

the love of my life, park yoochun <3

but then again..I'm not exactly Kim Tae Hee, am I?

That's when I start asking myself, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

The scenario illustrates how superficial I am. Ring a bell?

Reason # 2

I feel that I'm on the verge of a breakup with my bf. (refer previous posts)

Because he doesn't :

• Say that I'm pretty when I dress up
• Say that my cooking is nice
• Compliment me by saying stuff like "Your voice was the reason I fell in love with you." It had to come from my ex. darn.

So yeah, it does sound like I'm demanding a lot rite? Mama says these are trivial matter. I say that I need these to live. How do I know he appreciates my beauty (*hmm,excuuuuuuse me*) if he doesn't say it? 

I mean heads DO turn when I actually go out, eyes DO ogle. And there my bf is, not saying a word of praise. Wth?

Okay, diagnosis :

--> isn't this self-centered + physically proudful? Sounds familiar?

Reason # 3

Further more, I'm somewhat convinced that he doesn't really know how lucky he is that I'm even putting up with all this crap, when I think I can be better off just flirting.

Or in any cases, actually find someone who actually knows.

Or lose a good guy like him.

Diagnosis : plain selfish. period.

Reason # 4

The thing that pisses me off MOST, however is, how OBLIVIOUS he is to this situations. That in a way, I'm NOT happy. That in a way, I want him to change.(I'm truly sorry I can't accept you just the way you are, Bruno. Why did i even type that down?)

He keeps saying that "I love every part of you." Well darling, that's pretty idealistic, but please, we both know that's NOT the case. You're making me look bad when you say that about me, and all I have is a list of complaints in return. 

Like honestly, how is anything going to improve if you just apologize without you even knowing the reason why you should be apologizing in the first place? 

gawd.

So yeah, even after reading this, I kinda think that I'm a Beyotch too.

I totally swear, this is the FIRST time I'm bitching out loud about this. Before this, everything was in my head. Having said that, I think it's safe to say,

Yeah, I'm down with a case of Mild Pricess-ism.

And you know what? I have the freaking rights to. 

Every girl has her own worth. And its sexy when she actually knows how much worth she is.

 It shows that she is confident with herself, aware of her actions and words, and are actually observant enough to want to expect things from the people she cares.

So there. =P

Words of Affirmation

Slipping on the tartan skirt, she checked herself one final time before heading towards the birthday party she was invited to. Her face was a pale shade of pink, not bothering to apply any make up would yield such results.

The room was dimly lit, music blaring from the home theater set at the corner of the already crowded room. There were many people, scattered across the floor, some occupied with making petty conversations, some too distracted with the great food. She swept across the crowd, locating his silhouette among the swarm of people gathered to wish him for his birthday. He looked happy, but she knew that smile was not genuine. It never was these days.

Taking a seat at the corner of the room, she distracted herself with three pieces of cake, which she could barely chew. Things were tasteless to her nowadays, that she noticed. Picking idly at the food, she was thankful that the room was dark.

From across the room, he shot her a glance, and their gazes meet. Smiling lightly as she mouthed Happy Birthday, she smiled as he faked a mockery of a response. Staring at her empty plate, he shot a quizzical look, and when she shook her head, frowning, she knew he understood her lack of appetite, but nevertheless, was equally amused when he offered to carry the bucketful of salad over to her. 

They've known each other beyond the boundaries of friendship, but yet that border was never crossed. As if fate was still against them, but destiny was still persistent about a second chance.

That particular night, destiny won over fate, as she found herself trapped in a conversation she has been trying to avoid for months. He smiled a triumphant smile.

You at least owe me this conversation. He said, as he pulled a chair in front of her, blocking her exit.

She flashed him an innocent smile. And as the conversation develops, the memories of them flooded her thoughts, drowning her whole. And she found herself remembering how it felt being in love with him.

I missed your voice, he said laughing as his ears turned red. Did you know that was the reason I fell head over heels for you?

She faked an amused expression, when in reality her pulse raced and her breath hitched.

Your voice, it’s the reason I’m still like this. Single, I mean. No one has that power to calm me down like you did, his eyes were deep, she couldn’t read it, but his ears turned a darker shade of red.

That was the closest to a compliment that she has heard in months. And those words were like a refreshing gush of air to a suffocated soul, blowing with it the dews of appreciation and affirmation. For the first time in a very long time, she actually felt alive. 

Special, appreciated and beautiful.

She was glad their conversation was interrupted, because truthfully she was overwhelmed. It was nice to hear a word of praise, once in a while. As a blond Russian joined their conversation, she was thankful that the topic of discussion diverged from their initial one.

I’ve known her for five and a half years. And throughout that time, she has only gotten so much more beautiful.

It took her a full second to digest who those words came from and what they actually meant. She looked on, as he continued to smile, first to his friend, and then to her.

Only more beautiful.

And she knew she was blushing.

She knew she wasn’t a goddess, with overflowing beauty and eternal radiance, but a word of praise made her feel like one. She looked back at the times she has spent with her boyfriend that she been together with for a year and a half. He’s a good person that she admits. But he never actually complimented her. He didn’t say a word when on their dates; she put in effort to look nice, applying makeup and dressing up in heels. Instead he asked her why was she was wearing heels when they were going to walk a distance. And those were a new pair of heels too.

He didn’t bother to dress up either. He no longer spiked his hair the way he did before. And he dresses in the same T-shirt he was in last week. It’s not that she is superficial, but a pinch of effort, even a fleck would be nice.

She knew she wasnt much of a cook, but when she recalled the many times that she has cooked them a meal, there wasn't once when he was actually happy with her culinary skills. Her memories were only full with 

There is still room for improvement.

It would taste nicer with a tad more pepper and less salt.

A for effort.

I can still deal with your cooking.

Those words made her heart crumble, and looking back at those times, she felt hurt. Was she that bad?

And with that, she just stopped trying.And gradually, she forgot how beautiful and gorgeous and talented she is.

Everything between them was a routine of tolerance and patience. 

The comfort was warm, but the suffocation was strangling. Eventually she felt herself slipping away. Because with just actions, her affections cannot be contained. She needed words of affirmation, to keep her alive. She needed more than acts of care. She needed that extra bit of spice.

For instance tonight, she felt more alive spending two hours with him, than the past year she has with her boyfriend. And the feeling was liberating.

Like every other

There never was a beginning. Everything was a blur of memories and a swirl of events. But she remembers how it felt. Remembers the first fleeting emotion that swept her off her feet.But now that feeling seems...dampened, maybe even lost somewhere along the way.

She cursed inwardly when she found out their Pneumonology classes were combined for the next two months. She couldn't exactly explain why, but the delicateness of the matter, of equally dividing her attention between him, her friends and classes, it gives rise to a myriad of complications. It requires extra effort, extra time, extra attention that she wonders if she can keep up with the amount of pressure.

It seems trivial, that she knows. She will never forget the look in his eyes when he truly explained to her, over a cup of coffee one chilly day; That all he wanted was to have her by his side, to see her face everyday and to do everything together, like every other couple. His eyes were moist and glassy, sincerity etched into the very depth of his gaze.

That was the longest cup of coffee she has ever had in her life.

It's not that she didn't love him. She swears she cares, because if she doesn't, she wouldn't even bother trying, or even putting in any effort.

It's just that, she finds that its gone. That flame he once lit up it her, its barely flickering. 

What should she do IF it dies off? Because it is that flickering flame that keeps her going.

"Like every other couple."

Those words seemed to be on replay, looping over and over again in her head, that she finds herself strangled with insomnia. What can she do? She isn't any average girl. So how can he expect them to be like every other couple?

You don't know how lucky you are, her girlfriends said.

You love him, her best friend said.

You are no longer available, says her baby sis.

When bombarded by these situations, she found herself falling silent, not because of embarrassment. But because she was truly at a loss of words. Because if what they were saying are true, she knew these ghosting thoughts would not bother her. Not like this.

And with this alone, she knows something is wrong.

***

Am I bipolar? part II

Reasons to love you

On the way back home, he held her hands, swinging it lightly as walked pass Smolenskaya. When they hold hands, his entire palm covers half of her hands.

YM causes too much miscommunication. So false assumptions were easily made, and they argue. But when they fight, he was always the first to apologize, even when the fault lies with her.

They take turn buying the groceries. The point wasn’t really the groceries; it was just the idea of going grocery-shopping together.  

They like to eat, him and sushi and her and tukk bok gi. The bill is sometimes split, but he looks so suave when he hands his credit card to pay for their meals.

Her ring fits perfectly on his pinky. They say it’s a sign that the couple is a match made in heaven.

He could never resist her charms. One bat of her long lashes and he’s a puddle of goo. In reality he doesn’t know that she loves his well sculptured biceps.

Money was never an issue. It made life so much easier.

She told him everything. He was a hideout. He was an outlet. He was an escape. He was everything she wasn’t.

She loves his hair long, and when he lets his bangs fall naturally against his forehead, she finds her fingers fiddling with them every time they meet.

He wasn’t really fond of his long hair. It kept pricking his eyes. So she lent him her black hairpin, and he walked around the hostel, forgetting that he has a girl’s hairpin in his hair.

He likes chocolate, hates vanilla. She loves vanilla, detests chocolate. So when they buy ice cream, they decided on Movenpick’s tiramisu.

She hated his roommates’ jeers when she goes up to his room. So they always meet in front of her rooms. When standing seems too tiring, she sneaked two red cushions from the common area’s sofa for them to sit on.

She could think of a million more reasons to write, as she smiled goofily in front of the laptop, propped against her knees. They were different, total polar opposites. But it’s true that they say, opposites attract. And for those ambivalent circumstances, she loves him.

Am I bipolar? part I

She hates the fact that he lacked that sensitivity. She wasn't sure if he was just being insensitive, or as her best friend put it- trying to give her space, but she hates it just the same.

lucky the pic is a guy.

She dislikes the fact that the relationship graft is worse than plateau, its heading to ground zero, at a rate slower than death.

She does not like LOL. Every reply to her ym, her sms, her email, was always preceded with LOL. Even when she was upset, he'd first reply with an LOL, and that makes her blood simmer hotter.

She resents the commitment that comes with the relationship, like walking back from classes together. It makes her feel suffocated. Maybe sometimes, just perhaps maybe, people would leave her alone, with some space to breathe.

She detests that she felt like a wife, especially when he tells her to cook, which she is not fully fond of, to begin with. She's a girlfriend, not a wife. There's a difference.

She despises the fact that her heart wavers. Hates the fact that at times, she couldn't take a breath without him, but the how the next moment the mere thought of being together causes her breathing to cease. 

She loathes the helplessness she felt when her heart beats not for the right person, hates the guilt that she feels for putting up with such lies.

love>hate, hate>love?

Sometimes these feelings overwhelm her too much, that she thought :

would ending what they have now provide a better solution? Because living in pretense can prove to be tiring, and her battery's almost all worn out. 

All worn out.

The Heart that Wavers

She hangs up the Galaxy S with a little more than a smile. Knowing that her boyfriend was okay calmed down her nerves, especially after the argument the previous day. Slinging the pink stethoscope around her neck, she made her way to the 5^th floor to join her group mates. That was when she saw him. And subconsciously, she felt her heart jolt, just a mere bit, but enough for her to notice it. Ignoring the normal composed and cold look on his handsome face, she made her way upstairs.

Him being close friends to her boyfriend did not help resolve the matter. And when she saw her boyfriend and him walking towards the bus together for the dinner, she found her eyes trained on him instead. Looking sleek in pinstriped black and grey shirt, fitting black coat and dress shoes, hair styled that spiky way she had always adored, she found her face flushing. And when he looked back at her, offering that shy smile, she felt her heart racing.

It wasn’t the first time. And she doesn’t think that that will be the last. When opportunities came that they crossed each other’s way, she found herself flustered. Those moments always came unforeseen. Like in internal disease, when by chance her partner was assigned to the same patient as him, she found herself standing in his room, very much stoned while her partner exchanged anamneses with him. She found her eyes wondering over his belongings, his bed, his bookshelves, his table. She knew she was blushing, and for once she was thankful that the Russians preferred these dull orange lights.

my heart, its falling apart.
forgive me.

Philosophy wasn’t a subject much adored. But she found that she needed to at least step up her speaking skills. Therefore during that combined class presentation, she decided to speak about Chaadaev. Her Russian was fairly good, that she knew. So when she spoke in that poised manner, fully in Russian, she found most of her colleagues’ faces space out. Searching the crowd for a familiar face, she found his. Nodding slightly to her speech made her feel that at least she was not spewing utter gibberish. And since that moment, she found herself looking at his face, seeking the comfort it offered. Ironically, her boyfriend was just a few rows away.

It didn’t feel right. Not when she has decided to pledge her loyalty to another person. Comforting herself with excuses of adoration, she managed to live with herself. But when she noticed that even after their one year anniversary, her feelings hadn’t changed, she is beginning to panic.

 

 Tell her, what do you do when your heart beats for the wrong person?

I am an avid coffee-lover.I simply love the bitter taste that lingers after every mug of coffee, love the rich roasted coffee bean smell, especially in the mornings, love of that burst of energy after each drink. I just adore coffee. But recently, I noticed something else, something that I've never felt before.

It's not just the coffee. It's not where it comes from. It's whom you share it with that made every sip less bitter. <3

This was at Starbucks. I noticed that time really flies when you are with such a great companion. Even water-deprivation test which I have never heard of before seemed to make sense with the right person sitting next to me, ironically, not doing anything but reading The Textbook of Gynaecology.

This was at Coffee Mania, which was ridiculously pricey. I seriously will NOT go again. But sitting at that cozy corner of the crowded Russian cafe, even calculations of IV infusion rate seemed easier that I first perceived. Thanks again to the person sitting opposite of me. =) 

This was on another chilly Saturday. Left is Cookies n Cream, right is Coffee. =) 

Not a fan of coffee, but deciding to follow in my pursuit. <3

Its amazing to know that these two grande-sized frappe was all we had over a discussion of politics, racism, religion and corruption, that dragged on for over two and a half hours.

Its good to know that you have company that not just feeds your needs emotionally, but is also capable of evoking the nationalism that was so long lost in your soul, stirring into you the thoughts of modern politics and rationalizing the senselessness of Philosophy.

Its true then, life is all about finding the right company.I am not sure if this person is the one that I want beside me though out my life. 

But as of now, this person is the only company I seek. So hell yeah, I'm gonna make this work, even if it is for the present, because screw the future, nothing is for sure. And if I keep on using what ifs in my defense, the I am surely losing the battle early, because really, there is nothing to lose, only to gain. And every experience, though bitter and sad, will only add on to my wisdom. I hope.

PS : Read this every time you waver. Look at the pictures, remember the moment. And if it makes you smile, you already have your answer, and then there will be no need for your heart to waver anymore. <3

Green-monster-syndrome

It seems that my insomnia might be chronic after all. It's never been this long before. But, as a wise man once told me, "It's not insomnia, its a gift of time."

For now, I need an outlet, so that this thought wont buzz in my head tonight. lol. and impose upon my 'extra-time'.

I wonder how to control the green monster within me. I guess i can say, that my green monster isnt actually small. its kinda huge. large. okay, humongous. there's this thing called pride, that ultimately dominates my green monster, which then leads to..u get the drift..so when i do something, i expect credit, and i cant bear when credit is given to someone else, but me. DONT look at me like that, its my green-monster-syndrome!

okay, so to be honest, i think i could be bipolar. i want credit, but when i get credit, i feel that im unworthy of it. i know2, like wth, yeah? but then again, im only human.
so getting back to trying to tame my green-monster. i should really think of my advantages i guess. i mean, i dont mean to sound vain, but a person cant simply have everything, correct? okay, i think im not bad looking. and considering im doing medicine, that means i've gotta be pretty smart too. my family isnt rich, but my last birthday present was :

so, really..its too much if i want attention and the best in everything, am i not right? then i'll just end up being hysteric. so yeah, malenkiivrach, snap out of that hideous rage pent up inside. u r only human, and wats more a malenkii one at that. if you keep on trying to prove that u are the best, u'll end up not learning..accept that u are lacking, and learn from those who are better. (or who think they are better-there u go again green-monster!). to have wisdom does not mean you have to put it on show.

"The superior man is modest in his speech, but exceeds in his actions."

so green-monster, im not going to breed you. one of u is enuf in me. so u listen well, live with me, as a guide for me to strive for the best, but dont you dare step over the border of dragging down my morale, becoz being this person that i am, i am totally capable of extinguishing ur mere existance. (or at least shrink u from humongous to tiny).

a daughter is a father's past lover, so they say. that is why i find wisdom and comfort in the words of my wise papa, in this case, he'd just tell me, "Cmon, U are a postive person!"

and so I echo, wth world, I AM A POSITIVE PERSON! =)