At exactly January 1st, 2011.

5 things I love the most about 2010 :

1. My birthday presents, the white Honda and the Swarovskii. =)
2. Korea trip; goint to Time Out Gelatto and getting Chunnie's mug, Jeju and Seoul.
3. My 2nd serious relationship that lasted 1 and a half years! Quite an achievement<3
4. Dropping to 53 kg after Korea! Daebak!!
5. Hearing that mummy n daddy wants to move to Malacca. I really wanted them to be in a better place..the old workplace was becoming tiring and daddy was travelling too much.

5 things I hate the most about 2010 :

1. The ridiculous suntan after Korea! Macam anak keling!
2. Putting on weight this winter =(
3. Having a big crises about my relationship that cause me insomnia for more than a month. It took me 6 months before I decided that he's not the one. Even as of now, we haven't broken up, but it feels that we have to me. =S But now that i have decided, my circadian rhythm is back to normal.
4. Getting my muffins returned because someone got angry at me for picking another boy over him. Come to think of it, its just freaking hilarious now! XD
5. Getting m wallet stolen from my bag on the way back from Gynae class. It caused me to be paranoid. I check by bag every half hour to make sure that my purse is still there. I have found a solution to that though:

•  I dunt bring my purse to class, I just stuff some cash into a zipped compartment in my bag
• I put my phone on music player in my pocket so I'd notice immediately if it goes missing. =0

5 songs I loved most in 2010 :

I just love Break-up songs. I just do. There's just something in sad melodies, grief and heartbreak that releases my endorphines. Weird huh? Anyways, these are my top 5 :

> I Love You, Park Yoochun

" This is truly my fault

Cause when you left that day

It was tears from our fight

I should’ve made you stay

God I’m beggin you now,

Hear my cry

I really need this girl,

Bring her back today. "

> Heartquake, SuJu ft. Yoochun n Yunho

"My broken heart 

When we loved you shook my heart

Now when we’re breaking up, you break that heart

When you smash apart the heart that loved you, 

It hurts so much

How am I supposed to live? 

Is it the end once you leave like this? 

Don’t you know that wounds that you gave me? 

Can’t you think of me who’s crying?

It hurts so much

Me, who has become alone..

Is farewell easy for you?"

> Love the Way You Lie, Rihanna ft.Eminem

" Now you're in each other's face

Spewing venom

And these words

When you spit 'em

You push

Pull each other's hair

Scratch, claw, bit 'em

Throw 'em down

Pin 'em

So lost in the moments

When you're in 'em

It's the rage that took over

It controls you both

So they say it's best

To go your separate ways. "

> Finally, U-Kiss Alexander n Kevin

" Finally, Erase me

Finally, This might be hard on you

Finally, I will remember those (sweet memories) just for you. "

> Airplanes, BOB ft. Hayley Williams

" Can we pretend that airplanes

In the night sky

Are like shooting stars

I could really use a wish right now 

Can we pretend that airplanes

In the night sky

Are like shooting stars

I could really use a wish right now. "

Recapping 2010 :

I did gain one of my resolutions. I got a boyfriend, and mind you, I loved him. Spent a lot of dates together, watching movies, eating out. Getting flower as an apology, drinking coffee at Starbucks while studying, cooking together. Well, all good things must come to an end. And mine just happen to end..right about any time now..

I didn't regret the times we spent, but I wished it could have lasted.

I can't seem to remember the rest of my resolutions, but I guessed 2010 wasn't as bad as it seemed. I think I should count my blessings, because when I tried to recall the bad times I had to endure during this year, it took much more effort because only happy thoughts come rushing into mind. =)

Dear God, I think this is something I should be happy for. Syukur, Alhamdulillah.

2011 resolutions :

1. More khusyuk in my solat. I want My God to know that I'm thankful to Him, and that being born into this religion and to have this faith is the best gift of all. I love my family and I love my life. =)

2. To wake up half an hour before Subuh to solat sunat. =) I think its high time I do that.

3. Become a great doctor, and make my parents and religion proud.

4. No more dating. The next relationship I want is marriage. Dating is tiring.

5. Drop back to 53 kg and keep it like that! *gulp!*

To wrap things up, lets just say, I think I am blessed with love. And in 2011, I want to give out as much love as I have received.

Tell me goodbye, oh tell me goodbye.

Single.


That was enough to cause her pupils to dilate. Adjusting her view, clicking on the refresh button,she focused again on the screen of her ASUS laptop.


Single.


She wasn't mistaken. It has changed. Less than a year ago, amidst exams and finals, his status was set on In a Relationship and It's complicated. It hasn't changed since then. But it has now. And although her pulse did not quicken and her heart did not clench, but her feelings sagged. It did hurt, although it was a bit, it still hurts.


Undeniably, she was the one that asked for space. She was the one who told him she was suffocated and that she wanted some time for herself and her friends. He was relieved, that she knew. Because he had thought that she would have wanted to break up then, but she didn't. But now, as she stood alone in the darkness, she wished she had.


When she had asked for space, she was seeking for his attention, calling out for his help in understanding how she felt. 


When she asked for space, she wanted him to know that beneath that smile, there was something wrong.


When she had asked for space, she hoped that he would finally wake up and ask her the reasons why, and faced up to their problems like a man.





But he didn't.


When she asked for space, he didn't contact her for three weeks.
When she asked for space, he did not tell her to be careful when the riot occurred in Central Moscow.
When she asked for space, he didn't even call her once.


People look at her and tell her that she needs to open up.  That she needs to tell him what's bothering her. That they need to talk and let their feelings out.


But she's tired of telling him what she wants.
She's tired of telling him what he should do.


If he really loved her that much, he would have at least done something.


But he didn't.


Instead he just left, without even saying goodbye.

An effective way of judgement

Things I want to do	+ve implications	-ve indication
1)      Break up	·         No suffocation and commitment ·         Get rid of insomnia ·         Getting back my freedom ·         I need only to think abt myself, not about two people, it gets tiring ·         I won’t have to do what I don’t feel like doing, eg cooking, meeting him outside my door ·         I don’t have fake a smile when I see him	·         Regret? ·         What would people think of my religion? ·         What would his friends say? ·         Would he be okay? ·         Would I be okay? ·         Would there be another person for me?
2)      Quit the cooking group	·         I get to cook what I want to eat ·         I don’t have to pretend to like what I don’t like to eat ·         I can cook sambal more often ·         I get to save money, coz I know I don’t eat that much	·         What would the others say, it’s not like I’m much of a cook either ·         I get lazy to cook if I’m eating alone ·         I’ll end up not eating, and snacking more often
3)      Going back home this winter	·         Family gathering ·         Recharge my batt	·         I already bought the tickets to Italy =(
4)      Date Ben =)	·         He’s cute ·         He’s smart ·         I’ve had a crush on him for 5 years now. Is there a crush that lasts this long?	·         He’s got a girlfriend. ·         I’ve got a boyfriend. ·         He’s a classic example of stoicism.
5)      Slap Firdaus in the face	·         He’d snap out of his dreams and actually start to man up ·         Make Aisyah happier =)	·         I can totally relate to his feelings, because I honestly feel the same. Thank god I’m a girl, and I’m not drop dead gorgeous (or I think I’d flirt around too)
6)      Tell Cheryl to switch off the lights by 12am	·         I get to sleep =) ·         She gets to sleep	·         It’s her freaking room too, she has the rights to study
7)      Find out whats going on between a)      Farhan and Shappy b)      Ili and Nabil c)       Fareena n Mr.X	·         Juicy gossips!	·         It’s really none of my business

I think I’m really crazy. =)

Morning Crises

I'm not really a morning person. My mood gets SOOOOO crappy in the mornings.

I hate waking up to a noisy morning.

Mornings are my sanctuary. 

I mean, mornings are your start of the day, it's supposed to be quiet.

And in that serenity, wake up to solat subuh, and rawatib qabliyah. Then a hot shower and strawberry body butter by body shop, and the highlight of my mornings :

 a Chunnie mug of coffee~!

The Love of My Life =)

I guess I take after my dad. He needs a mug of coffee :

1. In the mornings

2. Before bed

I'm less of an addict. I only get super crappy if I dont get my morning dose of coffee. Its like a car without an ignition. Its like maggi without the egg, and KFC without coleslaw.=)

I love mornings. I really do, mainly because I get to eat breakfast. Coz that's my favourite meal of the day.

What I dont like is disturance in the morning.

Like wishing Good Morning.

I just dont like it.

I dont know why guys make such a big fuss over wishing their girls a routine good morning. I'd rather recite a morning prayer to my God.

Mornings are about space.

I need time before indulging in stupid conversations with people around me.

I need some space to relinquish in the fact that I'm still breathing, to rejoice in the fact that I'm still alive.

To look around me and be thankful that God allows me to still walk this earth.

Morning is a time for me.

So yeah, I get freaking crappy if you bother me in the mornings.

So what, shoot me.

At the end of the day...

She's sick of games and romance.

Maybe its time for a life,

That she can appreciate and cherish, not because she has to,

But because she wants to.

Enough of roses and late night phone calls.

Enough of paid for dinners and Saturday night movies.

Enough of cards with words of promise and admiration.

Enough of self portrait and sketches.

Are those the real yardstick for love?

Or are those mere obsessions of men in love?

So God,

Send her a man,

that makes her heart beat faster,

Not just because of him alone,

But because with him, she feels that you are closer.

A man that makes her heart beat, because with him,

She knows she can never astray from your road,

From your light and from your jannah.

A man whom she can build her own Kingdom of Heaven,

Raise true warriors and princesses,

That not only caters for the needs of the world,

But is able to portray Addin in their life and words,

In their behavior and opinions.

Dear God, whose love is without borders and boundaries,

From whom love originates and ends, grant me my du'a,

And in you my faith lies.

I think I wanna get married. 

There are a few problems though, the first and foremost being, there is no one for me to marry. 
As mentioned above, I've had enough of romance. 
Enough of those fantasy fairy tales, the roses and the valentines, the cooked meals, the poems etc. 

I've had enough share of those! Because in the end, as long as we're not married, they wont do those for me due to unconditional love. There is always something they expect in return. And then I feel sick to my bones and

POOF, 

its the end. And the irony of it is, I STILL have to do things on my own. Screw you.

So much for being the person I can depend on.

How can you blame me? In my family, we look out for each other like crazy. Like freaking super crazy I tell you.

My sister, my baby sister that is, she refuses to let me carry anything heavy. Is that super sweet or what? And here I had this guy, who wouldn't even help me carry a 5L bottle from the rinak.

And my daddy, he's just fab. I dont even have to twitch a muscle. All i have to do is say something, and its done. I dont have to do anything on my own. And here I have a guy who couldnt even help me extend my propusk or get my visa from the dean's office. And you expect me to fall in love? Tsk.

And my mama. She's a saint. She brings me back to my senses, she brings me to God, brings me closer to my Deen. She reminds me of Fate and Destiny, Heaven and Hell, all that is food for my soul. And I'm surrounded by guys who dont even solat 5 times a day.

How do you expect me to fall in love?

So I'm officially giving up on looking for blind love. The next time I fall in love, it's to get married, lillahi ta'ala. =)

If apologies were that simple.

I'm sorry I couldn't say I love you, like every other girl. I'm sorry, I lied too much to the people around me, but I don't want to lie to myself.

I'm sorry I couldn't say I love you, because I don't want to say it if I don't mean it.

I'm sorry if my actions hurt you. I just don't want to force myself into doing something I don't want to anymore. 

I'm sorry for bring selfish, but I want to put myself first this time. I don't want to have to do things to please you. Or as to not hurt you.

I want to do things with you because I want to.

I'm sorry I didn't smile when I see you. But I just can't smile to you from my heart's depth.

Why would I smile when you give me no reason to?

I'm sorry I seem uninterested, but that is what I feel like.

I wished things between us were not that superficial, I wished things between us are more intimate.

But it's not.

I'm just another outlet, an escape.

I'm just an option.

If that is the case, then I beg to be freed.

Lastly,

I'm sorry for saying 'yes' to you, when I wasn't even sure of how I felt.

I'm sorry because I'm still not sure how I feel.

But,

I'm not sorry for the times I spent with you. I will cherish them until the day I die.

Do not forgive me, just let me go.

And spare yourself the pain of this mess called me.

The entrance to The Corteo was grand. Instead of the normal stage lights, chandeliers hung from the canopy, the stage ornamented with bronze candlesticks, bearing flickering orange-y candles. The circular stage was split into, by a veil of painting,entitled "The Grand Parade".

Likewise, I was amazed at the beauty of it all. That is, until the cirque actually started. And then to me, it was not just beauty. It was eerie. Beautiful, yes, but in a creepy sort of way. The air was filled with a thick sense of...impending doom. It's like Death, gift wrapped in shiny wrapping paper and ribbons.

The opening was sarcastic, and almost mocking. But then again, I wondered if I was biased because this time, I actually researched the show. Its a circus, only the setting was a funeral. How much more twisted can the whole thing get? The Clown is imagining his own funeral procession, in which he wishes to perform in for the last time before he dies. That was why there were angels, dangling through out the show. It was fine at the beginning, but towards the end, those dangling legs just became spooky.

Maybe its because I'm a spiritual being. Well, shoot me! I cant help that i believe in Death, Angels, Heaven and Hell, moreover God.  

And to me, the whole funeral thing, was a mockery to Death. Death isnt like that. Its not clumsy, and funny, what more entertaining. But to put visions of ex-lovers, hanging from chandeliers ( that was the first act) and to have angels overlooking the procession, it was almost as if they were intimidating Death. And for once, Im glad that my prophet, and my God, teaches me to fear Death and Hell, so that i refrain from doing bad, so that i improve on the good deeds. Instead this whole ordeal just proves how much a joke this is to the faithless. Taking something like Death, as a joke, its no wonder that everything else is fine to them.

It was an eye opener, tonight was. And alhamd lillah, I feel that the 1k+ roubles, was actually worth it.

A Mild case of "Gongju-ism"

I am NOT drop dead gorgeous, so naturally, the Princess Syndrome does not seem fitting to a girl like me. 

So as the common understanding of the Princess Syndrome, its safe to say that I'm partially clear (am I?) of the symptoms, which would undeniable include these :

1. Spoilt and vain (I'm a lot of things, but these are NOT me)

2. Selfish ( I gave up my first love for my friend. Need I say more?)

3. Self-centered 

4. Proud of physical appearance ( -.-")

5. Wants everything to go THEIR way

6. Inconsiderate to other people, only wanting to fulfill their own needs

7. Hurts people's feelings a lot, throws a FREAKING HELL of a FIT when they are hurt

    ( Not me, if I'm hurt, I just go cry myself to sleep....)

8. Unaware of other people's thoughts (disgust? annoyment?) towards them

9. Superficial

And so the list continues...(writing the list was easier with a figure in my head...ngehehehe*evil*)

So, to be honest, externally, I don't really portray these symptoms. Or so I hope, but in dealing with some certain issues that I've been facing recently, I am starting to doubt my initial diagnosis. I think in my case, I have the mild form of this syndrome. 

-.-'' uh oh

Yeah, so you ask me why?

Reason # 1

Okay look. I have a GOOD boyfriend. He's really, um..nice. BUT apparently, he's also...um..a tad dull?

So yeah, he's not really handsome like my Chunnie..

the love of my life, park yoochun <3

but then again..I'm not exactly Kim Tae Hee, am I?

That's when I start asking myself, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

The scenario illustrates how superficial I am. Ring a bell?

Reason # 2

I feel that I'm on the verge of a breakup with my bf. (refer previous posts)

Because he doesn't :

• Say that I'm pretty when I dress up
• Say that my cooking is nice
• Compliment me by saying stuff like "Your voice was the reason I fell in love with you." It had to come from my ex. darn.

So yeah, it does sound like I'm demanding a lot rite? Mama says these are trivial matter. I say that I need these to live. How do I know he appreciates my beauty (*hmm,excuuuuuuse me*) if he doesn't say it? 

I mean heads DO turn when I actually go out, eyes DO ogle. And there my bf is, not saying a word of praise. Wth?

Okay, diagnosis :

--> isn't this self-centered + physically proudful? Sounds familiar?

Reason # 3

Further more, I'm somewhat convinced that he doesn't really know how lucky he is that I'm even putting up with all this crap, when I think I can be better off just flirting.

Or in any cases, actually find someone who actually knows.

Or lose a good guy like him.

Diagnosis : plain selfish. period.

Reason # 4

The thing that pisses me off MOST, however is, how OBLIVIOUS he is to this situations. That in a way, I'm NOT happy. That in a way, I want him to change.(I'm truly sorry I can't accept you just the way you are, Bruno. Why did i even type that down?)

He keeps saying that "I love every part of you." Well darling, that's pretty idealistic, but please, we both know that's NOT the case. You're making me look bad when you say that about me, and all I have is a list of complaints in return. 

Like honestly, how is anything going to improve if you just apologize without you even knowing the reason why you should be apologizing in the first place? 

gawd.

So yeah, even after reading this, I kinda think that I'm a Beyotch too.

I totally swear, this is the FIRST time I'm bitching out loud about this. Before this, everything was in my head. Having said that, I think it's safe to say,

Yeah, I'm down with a case of Mild Pricess-ism.

And you know what? I have the freaking rights to. 

Every girl has her own worth. And its sexy when she actually knows how much worth she is.

 It shows that she is confident with herself, aware of her actions and words, and are actually observant enough to want to expect things from the people she cares.

So there. =P